The first step to remarriage from the loss of a spouse is to heal. Your former spouse will always hold a place in your heart, but the sharp pain of loss should be replaced by the glow of health before venturing into a new relationship. When God created us, He never intended these kinds of experiences, but in His mercy he provided us with some tools for recovery.

The first tool is called grieving. Sadness, bargaining, depression and anger don’t feel like gifts God gave us for recovery, but they really are. The second tool God gave us is His Church. The apostle Paul advised us to “bear one anothers burdens.” There are few burdens heavier than grief. Seeking out other people to carry the burden with us is scriptural and a key to healing. God created us to heal in community.

This may be difficult for the more introverted, but the support of other safe and trusted people is essential in healing. Some churches offer grief support groups. These days, you can probably even find one online. I highly advise taking advantage of such a group. Ideally a Seventh-day Adventist group, but if that’s not available in your area you may find a great deal of support from our brothers and sisters of other faiths.

If a group is simply not an option for you, reach out to trusted friends and arrange regular times to talk and walk this journey. (Or for that matter do this in addition to joining a group!) A professional counselor can be very helpful. Going to a counselor doesn’t mean you are “mentally unstable!” It means just the opposite; you are wise enough to seek the counsel of someone who is familiar with grief and can help you walk the healing journey. Many churches have Christian counselors on staff that charge minimal fees.

Once you have walked the healing journey, you may find the dating word quite different than what you last remembered. Later in life, the pool of people who are both good at relationships and ready to be in one tends to be very small. Don’t attribute the character of your former spouse to the new people you meet. Don’t settle. Wait for the right person. Warning: make sure you are done grieving before you start your dating journey. Dating will slow down your healing process and the grief can drive you toward unhealthy relationships.

 

Part 1: Grief Recovery

Join a grief recovery group. The GriefShare program may be very beneficial. Hospice programs often have free grief counseling and groups available. If a grief recovery group is unavailable to you, reach out to people who can walk with you through this healing process. A professional counselor is highly recommended.

 

Part 2: Building New Relational Skills

We are now ready to start looking for another relationship. This is a good time to take stock of our relational skills and prepare for a new relationship. Take the “How We Love” quiz at https://howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/  If any of your results are marked Red or Orange, then you have some things to work on. To guide yourself through the process, purchase the How We Love book and associated workbook. The chapters in the book and workbook are organized to match the quiz. Read chapters in the book and do the workbook exercises matching the areas the quiz highlighted for extra attention. This will take some time. (I personally found this resource extremely useful.)

 

Additional Resources (Video) to Improve your Relational Skills [Optional]:

The Chase – Ted and Nancy Lowe

Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs

 

Additional Resources (Books) to Improve your Relational Skills [Optional]:

Read The Five Love Languages Note: Similar information is available in a video format here.

Men: read For Men Only

Women: read For Women Only

 

Blended Families
 
If you have children or are considering a relationship with someone else who does, you should also learn about blended families. Mixing families is very challenging. Read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family

P.S. If you have a favorite book/video or other material that has been a blessing to you please send us a message. I’m always looking to update/improve this list of resources.