There are many, many reasons to have never married. Perhaps you are just reaching the stage in life where you are ready to seek a spouse. Or you may have some trauma or past experience that has pushed you away from marriage on a deep emotional level. Or you may be struggling with mental or physical conditions that make finding a spouse difficult. However, the fact that you are reading this shows you are interested in being married. An interest that is well worth pursuing!
As you pursue your interest in marriage, there are some things to consider:
- What can I do to prepare to be a good spouse and attract a good spouse?
- What personal traumas, experiences, or physical/mental health issues am I facing that are getting in the way of a marriage relationship?
Unfortunately, these are very difficult questions indeed. Both require looking inward at ourselves. Of all the things we do in life, thinking about our own lives is one of the most (EXTREMELY!!) difficult things to do. First, we treat ourselves far too critically. Remember, Jesus Christ created you, came down and gave His life for you because He loves you and values you above all else. Jesus knows our true condition better than anyone else, yet he chooses not to condemn, but to redeem us. We are not second class citizens! We are children of the King!
So don’t despise the person you are. You are the creation of God. The redeemed. However, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reflect on our lives. But we don’t have to do it alone. The Apostle Paul advises Christians to “bare one another’s burdens.” The best way to face challenges is in community. So your first step should be finding safe people you can trust that are willing to walk with you and support you on the journey of marriage preparation. Professional counsellors can be a very helpful part of this support group. It may feel awkward sharing your deepest fears and pain, but it’s VERY important. DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP! Sharing will help you heal in ways you can’t imagine. A side benefit is you’ll learn how to open up and share at a deep personal level. (That is a very important skill to have in a marriage.)
Some of you may already know some of what you are facing. However, most of you will discover things you never realized were impacting you. It may be a difficult journey, but learning about life and marriage is worth it. Even if you never marry, I don’t believe you’ll regret the journey.
For most people marriage does not happen by chance. (Chance marriages tend not to work out very well anyway!) So prepare for yours!
Step 1: Preparing for the Journey
Find a group of safe trusted people and/or a professional counselor who will walk with you through the journey of marriage preparation. Arrange to meet with them on a regular basis to discuss your progress.
Step 2: Relationship Advice
The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating – Andy Stanley https://northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating/the-right-person-myth
The Chase – Ted and Nancy Lowe. https://vimeo.com/235735185
Love and Respect – Emerson Eggerichs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=388ZduTXiws
Step 3: Personal Growth
Take the “How We Love” quiz at https://howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/ If any of your results are marked Red or Orange then you have some things to work on. To guide yourself through the process purchase the How We Love book and associated workbook. The chapters in the book and workbook are organized to match the quiz. Read chapters in the book and do the workbook exercises matching the areas the quiz highlighted for extra attention. This will take some time.
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Step 4: Understanding the Other Gender
Read The Five Love Languages Note: Similar information is available in a video format here.
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Men: read For Men Only.
Women: read For Women Only
Step 5: Blended Families
If you have children or are considering a relationship with someone else who does, you should also learn about blended families. Mixing families is very challenging. Read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family
P.S. If you have a favorite book/video or other material that has been a blessing to you please send us a message. I’m always looking to update/improve this list of resources.