I had just finished telling an older co-worker about my divorce. There was a long pause at the other end of the line and he said, “You know. Over the years I’ve seen a lot of people go through divorce. They grieve for awhile. Then they start to feel better and start dating. They look around and find someone exactly like the person they divorced. Then they go and do it all over again.”
In his blunt way my, co-worker nailed two big challenges divorcees face: grief and broken relational skills.
Grief Recovery
Early in divorce recovery the grief can be nearly overwhelming. Surrounding yourself with supportive friends is essential to recovery. I highly recommend the DivorceCare program. Warning: It is tempting to start dating during the grieving period as a distraction from the pain. That is generally not a good idea. Sooner or later the grief will work it’s way to the surface, hopefully as grief and not a medical problem. (Unprocessed grief creates all sorts of medical issues.)
Depression
Grief easily leads into depression. Hope has been the antidote to my depression. Working toward a better future can be deeply painful, but also brings hope alive. God created each of us because he wants us. Our true value is how God values us. Even when it doesn’t feel that way, it’s true. When the feelings are overwhelming, reach out and get help. At those times it seems like there is no future, but I’ve been there and while it seems (at the time) like it takes forever, it does get better. Never stop reaching for help and hope. You are a child of God, you are worth everything to him. For some people medication may help moderate the pain on a temporary basis to give you a chance to process the issues.
Building New Relational Skills
The grief is terrible enough. Unfortunately, that’s the “easy” part. (No, is NOT easy AT ALL.) However, grief tends to come out whether you want it to or not. You are forced to deal with it one way or the other. The second part of divorce healing is “optional.” No, it’s not optional if you want a happy and successful marriage. But, building new relational skills is a choice. You must decide you want to be better at relationships. “But wait,” you may say, “My ex is the one that left me!”
The ugly truth is that no matter how terribly your ex behaved, it’s highly unlikely you were a saint with world-class relational skills. Probably you were like me, muddling my way along thinking I could fix my marriage by tweaking a few things here and there. In reality I was repeating the same broken habits over and over again. Sure, she had her bad habits. But those are her problems that she has to deal with. What I have to deal with is my bad habits. It’s my patterns of thinking and acting that I carry with me into a new relationship. If I want the new relationship to be a good relationship I better give some serious thought to what I’m bringing into that relationship.
Not to call out my divorced friends, but when I look around, I don’t believe I’m alone in having things to work on. If you think you are the exception and are completely ready for your next relationship, stop and think about this: Do you really want to take the chance of being wrong?
The best time to acquire a new “marriage skill set” is before marriage. First, the person you are tends to be the person you attract. If you want a mate who is serious about building a great relationship–and who doesn’t want that kind of spouse–be serious about relationships yourself. Second, the learning process doesn’t end when you say “I do.” Good marriages grow. Learn how to grow now and marry someone else who is also growing.
Part 1: Grief Recovery
Join a DivorceCare group. Many churches offer this group and there is probably one in your area. (Ideally, it’s sponsored by an Adventist church, but if that’s not available, many other Christian churches sponsor these groups.) If you can’t find a DivorceCare group or the idea of meeting with a group of strangers is completely terrifying, be very purposeful in gathering a group of safe, trusted friends and counselors to walk with you through the grief journey. As the Apostle Paul taught, we are to “bare one another’s burdens.” This is critical to healing. I know this can be quite difficult for introverted people. However, even for the introvert, connecting to others is still an essential part of recovery. So join or create a support group. It will bless you in ways you can’t imagine.
Part 2: Building New Relational Skills
The next two options are similar, so choose one of the two. (But feel free to do both!!)
Or
Part 3: Moving to the Next Level
The following books share some similarities so choose one. If you learn a lot you will probably want to read them both!
Or
Blended Families
If you have children or are considering a relationship with someone else who does, you should also learn about blended families. Mixing families is very challenging. Read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family
P.S. If you have a favorite book/video or other material that has been a blessing to you please send us a message. I’m always looking to update/improve this list of resources.